The Pitch

 So there’s the narrator. Then there’s Dani. And Daniel.

Ah, two Dans. That’s clever. Are they twins?

No.

Brother and sister?

No.

Okay, well…

The narrator is married to one of them.

Oh, I get it now. The narrator’s married to Dani and then-

Why is the narrator married to Dani?

Well the narrator’s male, right?

I didn’t say that.

Well I assumed since you’re male.

Well you should never assume anything. Ask first. But yes, the narrator is male.

And he’s married to Dani. So I was right.

He’s married to Daniel.

But… Oh, I see. Fine. Maybe you could tell me one of the jokes.

Jokes?

Yes. One of the jokes from the show. I bet you’ve got some real zingers.

There aren’t any jokes.

But … this is a comedy, right?

Yes, it’s a comedy.

But there are no jokes?

Have you not watched any of the comedies your channel puts out? They don’t have jokes.

Are you saying our shows aren’t funny? I didn’t come here to be insulted.

It’s not an insult. The comedy occurs organically. It develops from the characters and the situations they find themselves in.

Oh. I get that. So maybe you could tell me one of the ‘situations’.

Well, they’re all there in the scripts I sent through.

Oh, we never read scripts.

You don’t?

Well what I mean is, I don’t read scripts. I’m too busy with meetings. Meetings like these.

Then why did you decide to see me if you haven’t even read-

Oh we have a machine that reads the scripts. The document you sent through to us gets checked by the machine to make sure it’s original and then if suitable it gets passed on to my department.

If suitable.

Yes. Don’t ask me for an explanation. That’s something the IT department handles. The machine can read scripts in less than 20 seconds. In that time it ensures what’s been written is original – all your own work – and then it assigns a score.

A score?

Yes, like 8 out of 10. Or 80%. You scored 8 out of 10 chuckles, therefore we should consider commissioning your show.

Okay. 8 out of 10 chuckles sounds good. You should commission our show.

It might not be out of 10. And 8 was an example. Also, chuckles was an example. You said your show doesn’t have any jokes, so I guess the rating doesn’t go on chuckles.

Cool. The machine gets that modern comedy isn’t about jokes. It isn’t about endless one liners.

So are there any funny situations? I guess, you know, and this is a poor example, but does anyone fall over? Fall down the stairs? Fall up the stairs perhaps, because in the 21st century we should be open to all forms of gravity. I want to assure you we’re very progressive here.

No one falls up or down the stairs. The narrator lives with Daniel in a bungalow.

Do you mean a flat?

No. If I’d meant a flat I probably would’ve said a flat.

It’s just in my head I was thinking how a lot of great sitcoms are set in flats.

This isn’t a sitcom.

Oh yes. I forgot. Look I have another meeting I need to get to…

So will you be commissioning the show?

Well.

The computer rated us 8 out of 10 chuckles.

Umm, I did say that was just an example.

So it could’ve been 9?

Well no, I mean yes, but…

No one thought The Office was going to be funny. But someone took a chance that it might be. They didn’t use a computer to make the decision.

Is your show like The Office?

No. I considered it, but it turned out someone already made that show. Then a bunch of Americans made it too.

It could be different though. You could set it in Australia.

I think there’s an Australian version already.

Yes, see, that was a good idea. Shame you didn’t come up with that one.

Do you watch much comedy?

Me? Heavens, no. I don’t have the time. Meetings all day. Home to the wife. She likes to watch those true crime shows. The ones where they recreate what happened and then try to solve them. It’s not really my thing, but she loves them. Talking of which…

Oh no, there are no murders in my show.

No, I meant talking of meetings, I have to go. I’m already late. It was nice meeting you .. er, I’m sorry, I forgot your name?

Danny. I’m Danny.

Ah, like in the show. Neat. Is the narrator called Danny? I think I see where the comedy comes from now. Leave the script with me. I’ll have to consult with my bosses before I can give you an answer.

Are your bosses also computers?

Well…

I’ll be waiting to hear from you then.

Yes. Quite.

Don’t fall down – or up – any stairs in the meantime.

Ha. Very funny. You should put that in the script.

I’ll certainly consider it.

Bye.

Bye.

 


 

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